


The Road To Self-Acceptance

by Deanasaurus



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Anxiety, Baking, Body Dysphoria, Bullying, Coming Out, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, FTM Castiel, Family Dynamics, Fluff and Angst, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Homophobia, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Pierced Castiel, Protective Dean Winchester, Punk Castiel, Queer Character, Self Harm, Self-Acceptance, Self-Discovery, Sleepy Cuddles, Supportive Dean, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Trans Male Character, Transgender Castiel, Transitioning, Transphobia, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, pansexuality
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-27
Updated: 2016-11-15
Packaged: 2018-08-11 09:14:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7885258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deanasaurus/pseuds/Deanasaurus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Since he was very young, Castiel has always felt that he was different.<br/>He was out of place.<br/>A shape that didn’t fit the mould.<br/>A genetic anomaly that led to malfunction.<br/>This body, it wasn’t made to contain his soul.<br/>He knew this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prolouge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Bees, thank you for giving this a chance.   
> This work isn't beta'd so if their are any mistakes please let me know.   
> Also, I have a vague idea for the plot, but most of this is being made up as I go along.   
> And, may or may not be heavily based on myself. :/

Since he was very young, Castiel has always felt that he was different.  
He was out of place.  
A shape that didn’t fit the mould.  
A genetic anomaly that led to malfunction.  
This body, it wasn’t made to contain his soul.  
He knew this. 

It started with little boys and the dinosaurs on their clothes and the games of Superheroes and Pirates, and the pink he was wrapped up in with frills and bows to match, hand gripped tightly by his mother as he stayed close to her side. 

Because boys play too rough, and he was too delicate.

“Don’t be silly. You’re a girl, it’s how you were born, and it’s how you’ll stay.” 

She wouldn’t listen because he was born with soft curves and chestnut curls that tumbled down to his rose-petal cheeks.  
And all the other little boys had their raven hair set as angular as their bodies, forming straight lines and hard attitudes.

He is very young, and he has already learned to hate the body that has shut him in, locking his prison shut with dresses and Barbie dolls.


	2. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Bees! 
> 
> So here It goes! Be gentle and feel free (even encouraged) to point out any/all mistakes I've made so I can fix them and make this easier on y'all to read. 
> 
> (For those of you who have read this before note that I have went through and edited this and the other chapters and I hope that the story has been improved. You may want to re-read them since I have added more details to some and re-worded a lot of it!)

 

Blue azure eyes begin to blink softly in the warm morning light seeping through drawn curtains and he allows his eyes to adjust as he chases the last of sleep from his head pondering whether to go back to sleep. This dilemma is promptly put to rest when his mother is calling up the stairs for him to get dressed quickly. Afterall today was to be his first day at his new school and his mother had a job to get to, neither one wanted to be late.  
  
With that he slothfully groans stretching out his body groggily and drags himself out of bed and to the adjoining bath room. He needn't worry about his bed head, that is since he cut it short, that messy _I-just-got-out-of-bed-and-I-don't-care-hair look_ seemed to work for him and after all, he didn't really care. It was a dark brown, almost black, but he'd dyed the tips a vibrant blue that faded into a lighter green; his short back and sides help to show off his high cheek bones and the piercings that adorn his ears.  
  
Giving his hair a quick ruffle with his finger tips, he moves back into the main room and changes into a somewhat lose pair of black skinny jeans with holes aesthetically cut in both knees, and a loose band tee over his binder sporting the logo of his favourite band Mayday Parade before finding himself in front of the full length mirror leaning against his wardrobe door. Lidded eyes focusing to study his body in the reflection; the looser fitted jeans serve to hide the distinct curve's of his hips and thighs, alongside the binder which compresses his chest appreciably well and the loose tee which further helps him disguise his feminine figure.

He takes another few seconds to take in his appearance, swallowing a deep breath he slowly releases the air from his lungs allowing it to carry a good deal of his anxieties away. He quickly makes his way down stairs before his mother can find the time to tell him to do so and finds his trademark black doc martins and black trench coat, grabbing his school bag on his way to the front door where his mother is waiting.

The drive to the new school is filled with his mother _trying_ to reassure him, the odd recognisable melody reaching his ears playing quietly through the cars radio. When they reach the school a short time later his mother wishes him the best of luck, and tells him,

"Castiel, try not to worry, they'll all think you're amazing, just the same as I do." Reaching over, she gently pulls him into a hug, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek for good motherly measure.   
  
"Yeah, I know Mum, I'll be fine..." He finishes just as the car door closes, and he walks immediately towards the rather intimidating doors of the school. And he decides that walking directly in serves his best interests, if he allows himself the time to think, he'll doubtlessly over think it. And when he did that he typically ended up avoiding everything that made him even the slightest bit anxious or uncomfortable. That's one thing he doesn't want to do anymore, not here.   
  
_New_ school means a _new_ start.   
  
Here, nobody knows anything about him _unless_ he tells them. Which he wouldn't, he didn't need anybody knowing anything more than his name. Here, he's simply the new boy, and this is his chance to change how people seen him. He doesn't want to be the transgender, depressed, anxious freak- labelled the day he stepped into school dressed in boy clothes, short hair, and with a new name- _no_ , not anymore. He wants to be, Castiel, _just_ the new boy, he longs to comes across as confident and even while fitting in has never been something he had experienced or has ever really wanted, to be at least be liked would be a pleasant change.   


He makes his way down the main corridor, blink-182 playing loudly in his ears. Navigating his way around his new school peers surprisingly gracefully considering how nervous and out of place he feels, avoiding collisions as skilfully as he does eye contact. He looks away for what only can be a split second, a brief glace down at his phone to change the song that's started playing in his ears. His luck really or lack of it, the one fraction of a second where he allows his eyes to fall to his phone instead of concentrating on where he is walking, and he walks right into someone, not only knocking them over, but taking _himself_ and _their_ books to the floor with him.

 _What are the chances?!_   
  
He instantly starts mumbling an apology, scrambling about to collect the strangers books, a mix of embarrassment and utter panic, he can feel the heat flushing through his cheeks doubtlessly in a deep shade of red. He finally pulls himself to his feet and slowly lifts his head, not knowing what he is going to be faced with. Are they going to be pissed? I mean, they're books were basically scattered about the floor, and they were literally knocked onto their knees.   
  
_O_ _f course there going to be pissed, Castiel!_  


"Hey, thanks." The stranger greets as though he’s not just been knocked to the group.   
  
Castiel lifts up his head and his eyes slowly study the other boy's face. The boys face is strong and well defined, and he takes note of the gentle sprinkle of freckles that arch over the boys nose and across his cheeks, momentarily allowing his mind to go to that of stars and constellations. But it's not until their eyes meet that he truly sees stars; if his eyes were rare stones, these were precious emeralds, if anybody truly had 'fanfiction green' eyes, it was the boy sharing this prolonged, and unexpectedly _calm_ gaze.   
  
Castiel clears his throat, and returns the other boys books to him, carefully placing them on top of the two the stranger had been able to keep a grip off.  
  
"I'm Dean- Dean Winchester." He smiles, "I'd shake your hand but I'd rather not drop all these books again." he adds with a kind smile.  
  
"Castiel." he returns the smile, "I'm very sorry for knocking you over, I just looked away for a second and I didn't mean too." He was panicking. So much for the _'new school, new me'_ plan.   
  
"Don't worry 'bout it, man." Dean reassures.   
  
"I have to get going, I need to meet with Mr. Edlund to find out what classes I'm going to be in." Great, he was rambling now.  
  


"I knew I'd never seen you 'round here before." he looks relieved, and adds "Don't think I'd ever forget someone as cute as you." Throwing in a wink for good old measure.   
  
  
Feeling completely taken aback by the boys comment, Castiel can't seem to find the words to even begin to formulate a coherent response to what he is assuming is an attempt at flirtation?   "I-I've got to go-" He stutters, while rather urgently moving around the boy and definitely not leisurely making his way down the remainder of the crowded corridor, quickly reaching Mr. Edlund's office door.  
  
By the time the bell for the end of period one has rang, Castiel 's time table has been sorted out, he has had a brief tour of the school building, and has been assigned a member of the student body who will be his personal navigator for his first week to insure that he gets to all his classes, all and well.   So, he's standing outside Mr.Edlunds door, awaiting the arrival of his helper for the week. It hadn't exactly crossed his mind, but he most definitely was not expecting the boy from earlier that morning to be the one walking towards him right now.

Castiel, like he'd been doing for the better part of 20 minutes, is casually leaning against the wall, but at the first notice of the other boy he straightens up his posture and his hands retreat nervously into the sleeves of his coat.   
  
"Hey Castiel, so we actually have this next class together, English...if my memory serves me correct?" He finishes raising his eyebrow rather pointedly.  
  
"Yes, I believe that it is English next." He agrees.   


English seems to go well. Dean had insisted that he sit next to him, and when the teacher had brought up the assignment that the whole class would have to complete over the semester, Dean didn't waste any time in asking Castiel to be his partner, happily Castiel had said yes. The remainder of their day goes by surprisingly fast. After English, he has his two favourite subjects; Art and Physics, and when lunch arrives just in time on account of his grumbling stomach, Dean introduces him to his group of friends. He decides almost instantly, within the first ten minutes actually, that he really likes Dean's friends, and of course Dean himself. He finds that he has quite a lot in common with them all. Charlie and him share their love of basically anything else classified geek. He learns that Ash shares his interests within Physics, and that they have that class together. Then there was Jo, who is Ash's younger sister, she was the loudest one of them all; they had Art together. But Castiel finds that he definitely likes Dean the most.   
  
On a whole, he finds them refreshing. In the past his quirks and unusual traits annoyed his friends, now he’s not sure they were ever ‘friends’ in the first place. He’d only known the group a day and he already felt more at home with these strangers than he had with anyone he had called a friend in the past.

 

Castiel and his mother had moved to Sioux Falls last month, throughout the last weeks that remained of the summer break just a head of the schools starting back. They had spent their last few weeks moving all their stuff from Lawrence Kansas, to their new home; a house that had gone abandoned for years, brooding and neglected on the out skirts of town, before a few years ago when it had been restored and returned to its original beauty when a youthful coupled had bought it over. They needed a bigger house because they were expecting another child; his mother had said they were lucky to get the house. If they’d waited a day longer Naomi was sure if would have been of the market once again. His mother had secured a job at Sioux Falls General, the local hospital; that being the reason why Castiel is now walking home from his first day of school. He hadn't minded when his mother had told him that her shifts would mean her not being home till late on, and honestly he was rather relieved not to be driving back home with her; he knew that as soon as he got in that car she would be asking all sorts of questions about his first day of school, and after all, that's what mothers are supposed to do. But he didn't want to tell his mom about Dean, or about meeting his friends.  
  
He has never exactly had friends, not unless you consider back in kinder garden or before he had came out to everyone as Transgender; pretty fast after that, his 'friends' started to leave. I guess being friends with the 'freak' would affect their precious reputations. With moving house and changing schools, he finally has the chance to wipe the slate clean, and optimistically make friends this time around; but he wasn't going to get his hopes up. And telling his mom would mean buying into the childish and foolish idea that Dean _is_ his friend. For all he knows, Dean has no interest in being his friend- just doing his student body duty.  
  
  
Castiel nearly drops his phone to the ashen concrete where his feet have come to an abrupt halt completely losing track of his thoughts, as unexpectedly somebody is calling out his name. He merely has to turn his head somewhat towards the road that runs along his left, and there his eyes fall upon Dean, in what he can only assume is his black Chevy, looking at him expectantly.   
  
"Hey Cas." with that one of a kind smile lighting up his face,   
  
"You want a ride home?" he asks him. Castiel doesn't actually believe it. It was second nature to assume that Dean didn't want to be his friend; in fact, that in being Castiel's friend he would be burdened with all his problems and nobody needs that. But it's not like he wouldn't love a ride home, and he supposes that Dean wouldn't have asked him unless he wanted too right?  
  


"That would be great, Dean." He makes his way over to the Impala and slides into the passenger seat, quietly thanking Dean for his thoughtful offer. Dean dresses his lips with another smile and Metallica starts quietly seeping out through the speakers as the car begins to move.   
  
Castiel isn't too sure what else to say, fortunately he doesn't have to dwell on the thought to long as Dean. Sensing Castiel's apparently obvious discomfort Dean decides to try and pick up a conversation and evidently it's about why Castiel moved to Sioux Falls, 'cause what else could he have asked?   
  
"My mom and I just needed a new start." He begins, honest. "So, once she was offered a position as a nurse at Sioux Falls General, it made sense that this be our new home." He wasn't lying; he was merely leaving out a _few_ minor details that Dean needn't know.  
  
"So, what was your old school like?" God, it was like a game of twenty questions.   
  
Well, to Castiel it felt that way, considering how much effort and the length he is willing to go to too prevent anyone in this new town; in his new home ever finding out about his past. He wants to keep his old life, how should he put it? Sealed in a box that he's tried to bury so deep under that only the people back in that hell hole he used to call home know that any of that stuff about him. But Dean wasn't asking for all that. He’s just panicking and over-reacting right now, and even if he was, lying would be easy.

"It was alright, I suppose."  
  
"So, Castiel?" He turns his head away from the road, "Unusual name." He adds.   
  
  
"My mom, she isn't all that religious, save for her love of angelic names, I have an older brother named Gabriel" He lightly chuckles.   
  
  
Not long into the laugh did his mind wonder to that box in the ground, thinking about his birth name, and how he had asked his mother to choose his new name; he felt that it was the best thing to do. For one, choosing a new name turned out to be rather difficult. And second of all, it is a mother's job to name their child, and since he didn't want the feminine one she had given him he decided to ask her for help. It was a bit like taking your toy back to the store, and instead of getting your money back and going to a different store he just got a new toy to replace the old one. So, that's what Castiel did and she had told him how she was going to name his after the angel of Thursday, Castiel, if he were to be assigned 'boy' at birth. Castiel had liked name.   
  
  
"I like it." Dean replies, "So, Cas, what you going to do when you leave school?" _Well, Dean, don't ask the easy questions_ he thought to himself as he thoughtfully considered his answer.   
  
"I suppose Art, I love sketching, so going to university to study that. Yeah, to do that for a living would be pretty awesome actually." Smiling to himself but that wasn't going to stop Dean from admiring the man's ironically angelic smile.   
  
"What about yourself Dean, what do you want to do?"  
  
"Well, my dad's a mechanic, wants me to work for the family business." Castiel considers his reply carefully.   
  
"And do you want to work for the family business?"  
  
"Eh, yeah I suppose. My little brother Sammy, he's the genius. He'll be the one going to some big shot university, and I can't leave my Dad alone."   
  
"But, working as a mechanic? That's not what _you_ want?" He knew he was on treading on thin ice, and for minute he begins to regret asking, parting his lips to form an apology, but then unexpectedly Dean speaks up first.  
  
"Honestly, Cas, I want to travel. You 'Know, get out of this town, make some memories." He pauses, as though to think through what he is going to say next, "But, honestly man, I can't think 'bout stuff like that. Sammy's going to be gone in a few years, my dad can't cope on his own, and so the way I see it..." He looks at Castiel, "Its Sammy or me, and that kid’s going somewhere. And, I'm just, not."  
  


It actually leaves Castiel feeling hurt and somewhat sympathetic in learning about the other boys situation. It was clear in his voice how proud and the grave amount of belief he has in his younger brother. But, it was also evident that the only reason Dean is going to stick around after graduation is because he feels he has too, in order for Sammy to fulfil _his_ dreams, and _his_ potential. Like to keep the world in balance only one of them can be happy.   


"Anyway" Dean speaks, breaking the silence, “You never told me where 'bouts your house is?" he finishes in a breathy laugh. It's quite funny really, offering someone a lift home and then not asking them where home in fact is.

"Actually, I'm almost sure if you take the next left my house will be on the right." He answers his voice a mix of un-sureness, and hope that he is correct.

"Awesome." Dean declares.

 

"What?" he tilts his head to the left imitating a confused puppy. "Just that, if I turn at this next left it will take me to my house, which means we're neighbours." He says this as he is turning and driving into the street, and that's when it's confirmed. Castiel's house is the first on the street, so swiftly he points it out to Dean, who in turn picks out his house from the remaining others. Turns out he lives across the road, and along two. So yeah, practically neighbours.

 

"Oh Cas!" Dean calls, just as Castiel is reaching the front door of his house, "Yes?" He calls back,

 

"You want to come over to work on that English Assignment?"

 

"Yes." He replies, "I'll be over in an hour." Dean didn't shout back, but Castiel took him driving away as a yes.

 

So, this was it. This was the first time he'd ever been invited to someone's house, sides family; whether a friendly gesture or solely for school. And he was excited. Okay, he was ecstatic, and the eruption of butterflies beginning to flap their wings vigorously in the pit of his stomach proved that.


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Bees! 
> 
> Gosh, writing this fanfic is turning out to be a lot more cathartic than I once thought. It's good getting out some of my feelings out through Castiel. I hope y'all are enjoying the story so far, and if any one has any questions for me inbox me on tumblr @gogh-save-the-bees and I'll be happy to answer them . Or if you just want to chat :)

 

As soon as the front door closes Castiel toes of his boots carelessly and aimlessly chucks his trench coat onto the coat rack, before heading up the stairs to his bedroom. He briefly glances in the hall mirror at the top of the stairs, taking in his frantic state; he gives his hair a quite ruffle and straightens his septum piercing then he turns to the side to study his chest. He knows he shouldn't, looking in the mirror too long is a sure fire way of triggering his dysphoria but he can't help the ache in his chest, and the sinking feeling in his stomach, and he worries whether or not Dean will know.   
  
Castiel, for a few years now, has been training his voice to sound lower, he pretty much passes as a guy in that sense, but a binder can only do so much and with the prospect of Testosterone far on the horizon he still has many days left in the dark. Some days he feels on top of the world, other days he can barely find the energy to leave his bed, let alone his house.

He shakes his head, knocking those thoughts out of his mind and opens the door to his room walking a few short steps before collapsing on his bed. He lets out a long, exaggerated sigh and allows his arms to fall behind his head and hang of the bed. He closes his eyes and clears his mind allowing another sigh to escape his mouth before slowly sitting up. He makes his way over to his dresser, pulling of his tee and replacing it with a Blink-182 Long sleeved top. He figures he won't wear his trench over to Deans since the sun is out and the walk is so short. He grabs a red flannel shirt from the drawer below and turns the sleeves ups, making sure to leave the long sleeves of his top covering his fore arms. He grabs the books he figures he'll need and places them in a rucksack along with a notebook, and his pencil case.  
  
Cas takes a deep breath and raises his finger to the doorbell, but before he even manages to press it the door opens. And he’s met by Dean, who eyes him up and down, leaning against the doorframe. Smiling wide, “Come on in,” he says, stepping aside. The front door closes behind him, and he looks around absently, until Dean makes his way past him.

“My folks are out,” he says, making his way into what Castiel assumes is the living room, “Got the place to ourselves.”   
  
"What about your brother, Sam?" Castiel questions, "No doubt at the library." He chuckles.  
  


Dean has never really been good at studying, at least not when it comes to certain subjects. He’s always been eager to learn, always done the work and tried his best. But his attention span doesn’t always seem to cooperate, so some subjects, like math, are a bit trickier, unlike Sam who loves to study, and doesn't lose interest after half an hour.

He follows Dean into the house.

“Sit,” Dean says as Cas enters the living room, and Castiel does, without objection. There’s a couch, in front of a large coffee table and behind that a big-screen TV, and he sits down, feeling rather awkward and out of place.   
  
“Can I get you anything?” Dean says, eyebrow slightly raised and Castiel looks at him and shakes his head the tiniest bit. Dean makes his way over to Cas and sits down beside him. Neither of them speaks for a few moments.

“So, what do you want to start with?" Dean suddenly speaks, and Castiel turns to him and shrugs his shoulder, “What are your ideas Dean?”  
  
"I was thinking that, maybe we could do the write up on the impact and effects of homophobic bullying within schools?" He suggests.   


"Yeah, that sounds great. What about LGBT bullying? That means we can include...well, all the others." "Yeah, let’s do that then." He answers. Castiel is filled with relief, "Okay" He sighs, "What would you suggest we look at first?" Already making a mental list himself, Dean remains silent, seemingly thinking.

"Possibly," glancing at Castiel's shirt, "start with homophobic bullying or maybe some general statistics'?" He smiles.   
  
Castiel grabs a notebook from his bag along with a pen and notes down Dean's suggestions.   
  
"Yes, that sounds good. Give them a brief understanding of the impact and then," He pauses, "Write about some personal stories, cases of bullying to bring them into perspective. We would need to talk to some people for research." He finishes, writing down bullet points to keep a record of their action plan.   
  
Dean watches as he writes each point down. "Do you have anyone in mind?" Castiel asks, "I have a few stories and someone I could talk to. Though, I think we should keep them all anonymous unless they say otherwise?" He adds.  
  
"Yeah, that sounds good. I have a few people in mind, just need to ask them tomorrow. Would you like to watch a movie since we can't do much at the minute?" Cas considers his answer, he briefly thinks he should just leave and go home, giving into the thought that Dean is bored of him, but then, surprisingly he pushes those thoughts aside and nods his head.   
  
"Awesome!" Deans says as he pushes up from the couch and crouches down by the TV, pulling out a box filled with DVD's. "I don't have that many, what about Avengers?" He suggests. Castiel face lights up, "Yes!" He shouts, accidently, "Sorry...I just really like that film." He adds, quieter.   
  
Dean chuckles, "It's alright, me too."   
  
Once the opening of the movie begins to play Dean takes his place again on the couch innocently brushing his hand across the other boys leg as he reaches forwards for the TV remote. Castiel shifts in his place and brings his knees close to his chest wrapping his arms around them as if to hold them in place.   
  
Dean pauses, allowing his eyes time to take in the other boy sitting across from him; he acknowledges Cas' ruffled hair, imagining how it would feel to run his finger through it; he takes in his soft features, the delicate shape of his cheekbones, and he notices how the other boy will run his tongue along his lips and flick his piercings whenever he's thinking or perhaps bored, one on each side of his bottom lip. And Dean can't help but smile like an utter idiot.   
  
Castiel seems to notice that Dean’s attention is not on the film and he shyly turns and tilts his head towards Dean's gaze.   
  
"You're a bit weird aren't you?" He chuckles.  
  
The shy boy drops his head becoming increasingly self-conscious. Dean takes note of the boy’s reaction to his statement meaning it negatively and he quickly corrects himself, "I mean, not in a bad way. You're kinda cute actually." He quirks a small smile and Castiel can't help the blush that spread across his cheeks. "Sorry...I don't want to make you uncomfortable I just..."  
  
"It’s okay. I'm just not used to that." Castiel laughs, "I'm flattered really."   
  
A few minutes later they’re deep in debate,  
  
"Come on man!".   
  
"He's just misunderstood Dean! He feels unloved and like he's been _lied_ to all his life." Cas argues with a face serious.   
  
"That doesn't mean he can just kill _thousands_ of people." Dean replies and Cas tilts his head, "He just needs a friend." He tries.

"Thor was there for him, and 'sides you just like him 'cause _Tom Hiddleston_ plays him!" He teases, and they both burst out into a fit of laughter.   
  
"True, but who doesn't?" he giggles.

When Castiel leaves to go home around 11, Dean pulls him in for a hug. Castiel's arms stay awkwardly by his side and his body tenses reacting to the surprise and unknown contact.  
  


They both say their goodbyes, and Dean offers to drive Cas to school the next day, accepting Deans offer he takes his leave and head back across the road to his house. Greeted by his worried mother when he walks through the door, _Damn it! I forgot to leave a note._  
  


"Cas?!" She shouts through from the kitchen where she is making herself a cup of tea,

"Yes, Mom" He greets back, walking through to the kitchen.

"I was worried, and you didn't leave a note." She says, relief taking form of a smile.

"I was over at a friend's." The word just slipped out. _Friends._

"He's my English partner for this assignment and he lives just across the road." He corrects with a small smile resting on his lips. He really likes Dean, and maybe Dean likes him too.  
  
  
  
  
  
When Castiel climbs into Dean’s car the next morning, Good Charlotte is quietly playing through his speakers; placing his school bag by his feet he smiles along to the familiar melody. Dean hums softly at the site of the young boy besides him and puts the car into reverse, pulling away from the drive way and heads down the street turning the corner. It was early autumn and the leaves were beginning to turn from vibrant greens to auburns and gold's, many dancing their way to the ashen ground in bitter winds coming down from the north. Castiel takes a sip from the coffee cup held in both his hands, giving his cold hands much needed warmth, and he tilts his head to look at the boy beside him.   
  
"Good Morning, Dean." The other boy smiles, chuckles actually, "Cas you've been in the car for ten minutes, a bit late don't ya think?" He laughs.   
  
"I'm slow in the morning; I don't start working 'till the coffee does." He chuckles, "Besides I was enjoying the music." He adds, pointedly raising his eyebrow.   
  
"Yeah, I looked up all those bands you wrote down before you left." A flash of red appearing across his cheeks, disappearing so quick Castiel wonders if it had even been there at all.   
  
"I'm more of a classic rock guy, but this is actually good!" He admits.

When they reach the school, Dean parks the car, and they go their separate ways, saying they'll see each other at lunch. But when lunch time comes around and Castiel is know where to be seen Dean heads outside thinking that the boy may have taken his lunch out.  
  


Castiel had a free period before lunch and had decided to go for a walk outside on the school grounds finding a quiet place around the back of the large building. He found himself on a large square of grass, a few benches dotted around its edges. There are small trees planted aesthetically on the patch of land that is adorned by their fallen auburn leaves. He imagines that during the months of spring and summer that the grass is covered in small flowers like daises and buttercups and thinks back to times when he’d spend hours in his back yard making flower chains with his older brother Gabriel.   
  
In the farthest corner stands an old leaning oak tree, a few patchy green leaves clinging onto its mostly bare branches as the wind encourages them to fall. He had wanted some time alone, being around people can be very stressful and he needed a break to sit and think without the noise. When Dean walks around the corner and finds the boy there he takes in the beautiful site; admires the sun light touching the boys face, wishing it could be his hands.  
  
Deans eyes him up, his mouth opening wide when his eyes fall upon the burning cigarette hanging loosely in the angelic boy’s mouth. When Castiel pulls on the cigarette, he looks up and his eyes lock with green ones as he breaths the smoke out slowly through parted lips. Dean places his self next to him and gives him a questioning look.  
  
"Didn't know you smoked?" He asks. Castiel shifts in his place and crosses his legs into a basket tapping the ash from the cigarette held between his index and middle finger.   
  
"I don't, not really." He answers, earning a confused look from Dean.   
  
"I smoke when I feel stressed or if I'm having a down day," He admits, "So, I suppose I do smoke, just not...all the time." Dean nods, "I don't mind you know."   
  
That makes Castiel smile, "I mean, I'm not sayin' I don't care that this is bad for you, but I get why you do it, and I suppose if you don't do it all the time that's not so bad right?" "Yeah" Castiel sighs, "Thank you Dean."  
  
"It's nothing Cas, but what's made you stressed or...eh, down?" He questions, concerned. He considers Castiel his friend. "It's...nothing." _Yeah, let's go with that_ , he thinks, _'cause that's believable Castiel!_

"Cas?"   
  
  
_I can't tell him._   
  
_He'd leave me like everybody else if he knew._  
  
It's better if he doesn't know.   
  


"I'm just stressed; being at a new school surrounded by so many new people and unfamiliar places triggers my anxiety, that's all." It wasn't a lie; he was just leaving out some stuff, again. "Alright, we can eat lunch out here then!"

 

Castiel was incredibly grateful for Dean. In the weeks that followed Dean didn't ever push Cas to talk even when Dean knew he was hiding something and he didn't once complain when Castiel cancelled plans because he understood that Cas needed his time alone. Castiel was growing to trust Dean, and was beginning to consider telling Dean; telling him _everything._   


 


	4. Chapter 3

 

Castiel and Dean had been hanging out a lot; mostly watching films, talking, every now and again working on their school work and completing their English Assignment. They had a few weeks left before their assignment was due, and today they had planned on meeting up after dinner. As Dean sat in his living room, notes books out and waiting for Cas to show up any moment he hears his phone sound that he has a text.  
  
  
**Cas**  
17:37   
  
_Dean, I can't come over today_

 

 **Dean**  
17:38   
  
_How come? You okay Cas?_   


**Cas**  
17:39   
  
_I'll talk to you later_

 

Dean considered his reply thoughtfully. He knows Cas is hiding something. _Hell,_ he knows Cas is hiding a lot from him. He didn't want to pressure Castiel into telling him anything, he'd tell him in his own time. Dean of all people knew that forcing someone to talk didn’t benefit them.   


**Dean 17:41**

_Okay, see you in the morning for school :)_

Castiel was lying in his room, curled up under his covers. He places his phone on his nightstand, sighing he closes his eyes. Since his mother had left for work he could go to bed early without her worrying since he wouldn't see her until after school the following day. He hated cancelling his plans with Dean, hated that he couldn't tell Dean the real reasons why. Like, how he's lying in bed right now; his arms gripped tight around his aching chest, his stomach in knots, tears welling in his eyes; today was a bad day.  
  
He hadn't moved from bed all day 'sides when his mum had made him eat a PB&J sandwich for lunch. He had purged it when she was hanging the washing up outside in the back garden to dry in the sun, unable to keep the food down.   As he lies in his bed, his body shaking and crying he prays that sleep will come quickly but all he can do is stare at the ceiling watching as the glow-in-the-dark-stars adorning it slowly fade into the darkness. He lets out a shaky breath trying to compose himself. He doesn’t want to cry anymore but the tears keep on falling. Blind panic washes over him in a wave of cold sweat and his thoughts race to the unsteady rhythm of his beating heart while his hands find his face pulling and scratching the pink skin with blunt nails.   
  
"Stop it! Stop crying, please, please stop crying!" He mumbles, thoughts spilling out through his mouth.   
  
"I can't- I can't do this anymore!" He begs, "Why does this always happen?!" He pleads, bringing his knees to his chest and gripping them tight with both hands; his body begins to gently rock back and forth on the bed while his hands find his messy hair, only to drag them through it and rest once again on his knees.   
  
"I don't want to feel this way anymore!" He screams, angrily.   
  
  
Slowly he swings his body around and lets his legs hang of his bed as he reaches down towards his bed side table and take out a small jewellery box once used for earrings. He takes a deep breath and releases it slowly, shaky hands opening the little square box and tipping out its contents on the bed. When he looks down he feel the lump in his throat grow and he swallows as a silent tear runs down his right cheek.   
  
"It's been 3 months..." He sighs, holding one of the small razors in his trembling hands. He slowly rolls up the sleeves of his top and traces the raised scars on his forearm with his finger tips. He presses the cold metal gently against his skin, pulling it along his skin, not pressing hard enough to leave a cut. He brings the razor back down on his skin, this time putting enough pressure on the blade that red appears along the indented line in little blotted bubbles. He drags it down again, and again, and again.   
  
He's not gentle, each cut is more reckless than the one before and he feels the familiar sting on his skin giving him the much needed pain to focus on. He places the razor down on his bed side table and heads to the bathroom cradling his arm in his other. When he enters the room he places himself in front of the large mirror holding his arms over the sink and he allows the blood to drip onto the white ceramic surface. He lifts his gaze from the red splats of blood to the red puffed eyes looking back at him in the mirror numbness washing over his whole being. He steady's his breathing and takes in his state; messy unwashed hair, sore puffy eyes, then his gaze descends to his chest and falls upon the lumps in his shirt, then to the curve of his hips down onto his thighs. Sadly recognising this body as his own and one which doesn't mirror his mind.   
  
As the water runs pink, cleaning his arm, he avoids his reflection. Fixing his gaze to his bare feet, he thinks about how small and petite they are, how even his feet give away his secret. Once the water begins to run clear he reaches for the hand towel by the sink and dries his arm before gently pulling back down his sleeve. This time when Castiel closes his eyes, he falls asleep, and thankfully, he sleeps through until morning.

 

Castiel wakes to a text from Dean.   
  
**Dean  
7:32** 

_Hope you're feeling better today, Cas. Be by to pick you up at quarter past 8?_   
  


Castiel tiredly reaches for his phone, eyes heavy with sleep. He squints, looking at the message and lazily text's the other boy back.   
  
  
**Cas**  
7:34   
  
_Okay see you then_

 

As he stretches his body, lifting his arms above his head, he inhales sharply as the raw cuts on his arm are stretched and pulled; the memories of last night's relapse flooding back. He considers closing his eyes and curling back up beneath his warm covers, but decides against it when his phone sounds again.  
  
  
**Gabe**  
7:45   
  
_Hey Cassie, I'll be at mums just before tea time. Pick you up from school?_

 

A small smile appears on his lips, as he types back his reply.   


**Cas  
7:46**

_It's Castiel, Gabriel!_  
  


Dragging himself out of bed he pulls on a pair of ripped black skinny jeans and a oversized white shirt which he pairs with his favourite blue bow tie, carefully turning up his sleeves once not forgetting to make sure that the events of last night can't be seen; purposely avoiding the mirror he heads down stairs and slips into his Docs and black trench coat.   


When he enters the kitchen he finds a note on the dining table from his mother;         

         ****_Castiel,  
                     Gabe's picking you up from school, I'll be making dinner, you're welcome to invite Dean                                               
                                                                     Mum xxx_

****

Castiel makes his self coffee, pouring it into a takeaway cup and heads for the door, picking up his school bag and keys on his way out. When he locks the door and turns he's greeted by Dean leaning against the Impala's front door smiling, he waves as Castiel strolls over. "Morning Dean." He greets, following with a sip from his coffee cup. "Morning Cas."   


The ride to school is quiet, but the silence isn't uncomfortable. When a song starts to play on the radio that Castiel loves he unconsciously reaches forwards to turn the volume up. Dean's eyes widen at the view of the boys bare skin, he follows up from Castiel's wrists taking in the layers of scars and fresh cuts on the pale skin on show. Feeling the cold against his skin, Castiel quickly retreats his hand into his coat sleeve and prays that Dean didn't see what lay under all those layers.  
  
Dean blinks a few times, debating whether to say something but decides against it thinking that Cas hadn't wanted him to know and that the boy would tell him when he was ready. He clears his throat, "So, you staying to study today or getting a ride home with me?" He questions.   
  
"Actually, my brother Gabriel will be in town and he's offered to take me home today."   
  
"That's great, Cas." He cheers, "We can meet up tomorrow then for the Assignment work?"  
  
"My mom has actually invited you to dinner tonight Dean if you would like to come?" His head turns to face the older Winchester, head tilted to the side. "Yeah, that'd be great Cas!" Smiling brightly, "I'll text Sammy and let him know he's making his own tonight." Castiel frowns, he hadn't realised that Dean coming to his for dinner meant Sam eating alone. "Dean, Your brother is welcome too." He smiles, how fitting he thought, Dean would get to me the infamous Gabriel and Cas the infamous Sam. He'd text his mom later and let her know Dean's little brother would also be joining them also.

 

After Dean sends a text to Sam they climb out of the car and set off with their day arranging for Sam and him to come over at five for dinner. They see each other during lunch, Charlie joining them outside by that old oak tree round the back of the building that had quickly become there place to hang out during school hours. Castiel sat with his sketch book and studied the boy and girl beside him, mapping out their features on the paper as the young red head talked about a girl she was crushing on. Her name was Dorothy and after Dean’s initial jokes about her dog named Tutu (“She got a dog named Tutu?” He laughs, gently pushing her shoulder. “Actually, yeah Dean, she does.”) She continued to tell them about the date she had planned for that coming weekend.   
  
At the end of the day, Castiel finds himself on the small wall by the school gates waiting on his elder brother to show; he slips his hand into his bag pulling out a pack of cigarettes. Sighing to himself he pulls one out and lights it and takes a slow drag. He's pulled out of his thoughts by a car honk, slowly dropping his head his eyes are met with his brothers, Gabe’s eye brow is raised pointedly, "You know, Moms gonna find out sooner or later." He states, referring to the younger boy smoking habits.   
  
"Maybe but not today Gabriel." He replies, stern.   
  
"Hey, I didn't say I would say anything baby bro, just know she's not gonna be happy if she finds out from someone else and not you."  
  
"She's not going to be happy, either way." Castiel deadpans.

 

Castiel and his brother catch up in the car home and Dean makes headline conversation. Gabriel declares that he can't wait to meet this Dean Winchester and Castiel begs him not to tell Dean anything embarrassing and explains to Gabriel that Dean doesn't know anything about his past. Gabriel assures his brother that he’ll be on his best behaviour and they make their way into the house where he is greeted by the arms of his mother inviting him into a hug.

She plants a kiss upon his cheek, “I'm so glad you're home Gabriel." Smiling widely, "So, Dean and his little brother are coming over?" Turing to face Castiel.   
  
"Yes, Sam would have been eating alone so I thought it'd be a nice way to meet him." He smiles, taking his leave and heading to his bed room to change into his clothes for dinner. He keeps on his jeans but chooses to change into a long sleeved tee, not wanting the incident of earlier to happen again and risk Dean or his family seeing his arms.   
  
At quarter to five the bell rings and Castiel's mother answers the door, "Hello, you must be Dean and Sam." She steps aside allowing room for both the boys to come inside, gesturing to where they can hang up their coats and place their shoes.   
  
"Castiel is through in the kitchen, you can both join him at the dining table." Following behind, Dean and Sam place themselves at the table, saying their hello's to Castiel.

"It's good to finally meet you Sam." Reaching his hand out to shake the younger boys, "You too, Castiel."   
  
  
"Cassie! This Dean then?" Sounding loudly, "And little Sammy?" The three younger boys’ turn their heads towards the kitchen door at Gabriel's announcement.   
  
"It's Castiel, Gabriel." He answers in unison with Sam saying, "its Sam, only Dean gets to call me that."   
  
"Alrighty then, _Castiel_ , and Sam it is!" He declares, over exaggeratedly.  
  
"Okay, settle down Gabriel. Dinners ready!" His mother cheers, placing plates in front of Dean, then Sam, following with Gabriel's and Cas' before taking her own place at the table.   


"So Gabriel, how is college going?" She asks, gathering a small fork of food and placing it into her mouth.   
  
"It's quite good Mom, good to be home for a while though." He confesses, "Missed your home-made cooking." He punctuates with a giant fork full and exaggerated 'hmmm!'.

"How's Balthazar?" "He's great, visiting his family as well." She nods, and turns her head towards her other son, "How has school been Castiel? We've not really had time to talk." She admits, Castiel finishes chewing the food in his mouth, swallowing, "It's been good Mom, no trouble." He smiles, and she nods.

He immediately regrets his word choice when Deans confused gaze falls upon him. Dean wonders what the other boy meant by that, he hadn't heard about their being any trouble before. "Good, I told you this school would be better." When Dean turns to Castiel with questioning eyes once again the boy avoids his gaze completely turning to his Sam instead.

"So, Sam what's it like having Dean as a brother?" The younger boys face brightens instantly, "He's honestly the best brother ever!" He cheers, Deans face grows red as his brother continues to share stories about Dean and their infamous adventures as Squirrel and Moose. When the two were younger, shortly after Bobby and Ellen took them in they would play out in their garden pretending to be a hunting duo that travel the world killing monster and ghosts. Although they’d both grown out of the game, the nicknames and memories remained.   
  
“One time Sammy here,” Dean earns a shove when he reaches out and ruffles the younger boy’s hair, “was convinced he could fly and jumps of the garden shed. Little squirt broke his arm and I ran all the way to the hospital with him in my arms.” He laughs, “I forgot to tell Ellen and Bobby until I got there and realised I knew nothing about our insurance.”

“You missed out the part where you jumped to, and told me I’d be alright.” Sam adds as the whole tables chuckles.   
  
“You seem like a pretty great big bro to me Deano.” Gabe chimes in, “I’m glad Cas’ found a friend in you.” Now it was Castiel’s time to blush hard.  
  


The rest of diner is filled with more questions and stories and when dessert is finished Castiel and the Winchesters take their leave to the living room and place there selves in front of the TV. After watching a re-run episode of 'Doctor Sexy, MD' The brothers get ready to head home.   
  
"See'ya in the morning, Cas." He gives him a tight hug goodbye, Castiel was starting to get used to that; human contact was never something he was good with, it generally made him uncomfortable and nervous, but with Dean it was somehow bearably...close to enjoyable. Sam shook his hand and thanked him for his invite. Just as Dean is leaving Cas hands him a folded piece of paper and Dean looks as him confused, "It's a story for our project, I spoke with someone the other day and wrote this. Just though you could look over it?"   
  
"Yeah, 'course Cas."   
  
  
When Castiel returns to the kitchen his mother is wearing a wide smile, "They seem nice, Castiel."   
  
"Baby bro's got a crush!" Gabriel chants, "You got a crush!" He chuckles, seeing the bright shade of red covering Castiel's face.   
  
"No I don't!" He replies a bit too quickly and defensively, "Yeah, well...whatever!" And he leaves the room and heads straight to his room.   
  
Realisation dawns, he has a crush on Dean Winchester.   


 

 


	5. chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Bees! 
> 
> How are you all doing? 
> 
> So like I've mentioned in the past the plot for the story is mostly spontaneous but theirs a vague outline in my head. Also I just want to remind y'all that Castiel's feelings/reactions/experiences and actions are heavily based on my own as a Transgender male. I don't claim to speak for any other Trans individuals so please don't use this as a template for how /all/ trans people feel. :)

 

When Deans gets home Castiel's words from earlier are still ringing in his head. _'  
  
It's been good Mum, no trouble '   
  
_He had wanted to ask Castiel what that had meant, _hell_ he wanted to ask Castiel about a lot of stuff that he wasn't telling Dean. Maybe it was none of his business, but he was worried about the blued eyed boy, even more so after seeing the condition of his arms. Dean knew Castiel had secrets and probably dark ones but he wanted the boy to know that he'd try his best to understand and help him. He's pulled from his thoughts when Sam sits down beside him on the couch and gives him a worried look, "Everything okay, Dean?" Dean drops and shakes his head, "I'm worried about Cas, he's struggling and he's not telling me. I don't know how to help him Sammy." Hurt evident in the older boys’ voice, "Just let him know you're there for him, sometimes that all you can do, Dean."   
  
"When d'you get all grown up?" Lightly chuckling, "I'm fourteen Dean." Pulling one of his famous bitch faces.   
  
"Alright," Ruffling his hand through the younger boy’s hair earning a few light flaps of his arms, "Go get ready for bed, don't want bobby givin' me hassle for letting you stay up late again." He laughs. Dean remains on the couch, thinking about what Sam had said and decides that he will talk to Cas about everything tomorrow, letting him know that he will be there for him through everything. ...

 

 

When break comes around Dean can't find Cas anywhere, which is strange, he thinks, since Cas never disappears outside unless it's a free period or lunch. He goes to his locker, placing his bag inside and head to the place he knows Cas will be. Castiel is sitting against the old oak, cigarette between his front teeth which isn’t unusual but the tears rolling down his cheeks caused worry to sink in fast as Dean cautiously approaches. Castiel’s legs are tight against his chest and his left hand is crunched in his hair and his eyes are red and puffy. Dean feels his chest ache at the sight of the boy, and continues to make his way towards him.   
  
Castiel abruptly lifts his head and locks eyes with the other boy, quickly wiping his tears away and taking a quick drag of his fag before putting it out on one of the roots of the tree. When the older Winchester finds his place next to him he turns his head away then slowly directs his gaze to the grass besides his feet.   
  
"What's wrong, Cas?" Dean asks, his voice torn by pain and worry, he hated seeing the other boy like this, he hated knowing he felt this way.   
  
"It-It's n-nothing." He stutters, his voice sore and hoarse for crying.   
  
"Cas?" You can hear the break in his voice, "Tell me what's wrong, please." He pleads. He moves his hand slowly and gently places it underneath Cas' chin lifting his gaze to meet his own. When he takes his thumb and wipes away the tear falling down his cheek, "Cas, I want to help you, but I can't do that if I don't know what's wrong?" He begs, watching the other boy carefully.

"Someone from my old school messaged me. They said h-he's starting school here next w-week and...and" He lunges forwards, gripping the other boy and pulling him into a tight hug as he begins to cry hysterically. Dean manages to remain sitting upright, the other boy almost knocking him over and he instinctively wraps his arms securely around the crying boy and rubs soft circles with his thumbs on his back to sooth him. "He knows stuff about me, Dean!" He cries, "I-I don't want anyone at this school to know!" Waling, Dean grasps on him tightens afraid that the boy will fall apart if he lets go.   
  
"Cas, what is it?" Castiel pulls away, and looks into the green eyed boy’s eyes, "Dean..." He sighs, "You'd hate me if you knew." He confesses wiping more tears with his sleeve. "Look at me Cas," Castiel does, "I could never hate you. I promise I just want to be able to help you."   
  
When Castiel remains quiet he speaks up again, "Is this about the cuts on your arms?" He questions and he doesn’t miss how Castiel's eyes widening in shock.  
  
"It's alright, I'm not judging. I saw them in the Car the other morning." Answering the boys’ unspoken question. Taking a deep breath Castiel opens his mouth to speak, closing his eyes briefly and then replies, "Yes," His hands nervously intertwine, "Dean, did you read that story yet?."   
  
"Not yet...", "You should read it now. And afterwards, if you don't want to be my friend anymore I'll understand."  
  
"Cas, you can tell me anything. I'll still be here at the end."   
  
  



	6. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Bees! 
> 
> Yay! I feel like I'm finally getting into the plot now and can start exploring more things and feelings with the characters.

 

As the words on the page leave Deans lips regret sinks in fast and panic washes over him drowning him in fear. He pulls away, ready to run, feeling like he's about to throw up when a strong pair of arms pull him close and hold him tight as Dean begins to read the messy text aloud.

 _"When I was younger I didn't fit in with everyone else. I knew I was different, I was small and gentle dressed in pink and dresses with pigtails in bows. But, that wasn't who I was. I looked like a girl in every way, and I hated it. My mum wouldn't listen, for so long, when I'd tell her that I was a boy trapped in this girl’s body."  
  
"When I turned 13, my mum and I decided I would go into school as the boy I was. We had meetings with the school and everything was looking good. But, I never imagined that the kids at school, my own friends would turn on me because I was Transgender."_ Dean looks up at Cas from the piece of paper in his hands,   
  
"Cas?" He tried to get the boy to look at him, "Do you want me to keep going?" The boy could only nod.   
  
_"There was this one bully, Alastair, he was the worst. He would call me names every day, trail behind me in the corridors making sure to stand on my heels, he even got physical with me on a few occasion. The last occasion being the worst one of all and the reason my mum removed me from that school."_  
  
As Dean read the words his free hand balled into a fist by his side. "I'm so proud of you." Dean whispers, his eyes glistening, his heart filled with so much pride and love for the boy in his arms. "I'm so proud of you." He repeats, slowly releasing his grip on the boy, pulling back to look into his eyes.   
  
"Really?" Castiel was shocked. This hadn't been like any reaction he'd gotten before; he had been ready to run. When Castiel had told his old friends they had sniggered, laughing as they told him he was confused. After that, the rumours spread around school fast, by the end of the day he was the schools laughing stalk. Alastair, the boy who was going to be attending his new school as of next week was the one final straw for Castiel's mother to remove him from that school and choice to move away. Alastair had made many horrible comments like other kids at his school, but he had gotten physical with Cas on a few occasions; it had escalated pretty quickly from being knocked into his locker to being corner and threaten. Castiel can remember the whole thing, many nights still haunting his dreams; he had been walking home after staying on to study in the library, taking a short cut around the back of some houses not far from his home.   
  
Alastair had come seemingly out of nowhere as an oblivious Castiel with headphones on was knocked to the ground. After that he had been pinned to the brick wall that ran along behind the houses and held by strong hands around his neck.   
  
  
_"How my little tranny doing?!" He grits through his teeth._  
  
Castiel flinches as the other boys face come close to his own. He struggles against the other boys grip, trying to push him away so he can run, but the older boy is stronger than him. Castiel momentarily gives up the fight, dropping his hands by his side and decides on begging, "Alastair...A-alastair p-please! Just let me go home." He pleads.   
  
The other boy lets out a demonic laugh, "You know?" He grins widely, "I bet you just need to be put straight."   
  
Castiel begins to struggle once again when he feels Alastair pulling on his jeans, his grip around Castiel neck tightening, "The right boy to make you feel like the little girl you are." Castiel tries to scream but before he can the other boys hand moves from around his neck to over his mouth sealing Castiel's pleads between his lips. When Castiel pushes forwards with all the strength he can muster, he falls to his knees and a punch to the side of his face knocks him to the cold ground. When Alastair takes a hold of one of his legs yanking him back, Castiel kicks out, making contact with the other boys stomach leaving him doubled over; he runs until he reaches his door. 

_Castiel had lied to his mother about that, telling her only about Alastair punching him, too scared to tell her the rest. She removed him from school and packed up their things._

 

"Of course I am, Cas!" He confirms. "I won't tell anyone, I promise."   
  
"It doesn't matter anyway, Dean." He sighs, "When Alastair comes here, h-he'll make sure everyone knows. He w-was the reason we moved here."  
  
"Why? What did he do?" Deans shoulders straighten, his protective instinct kicking in. He has only ever this protective over Sammy and even Jo but Cas was his best friend and he considered him family and no one harmed Dean Winchesters family. Hell he'd been crushing on the blue eyed boys since the day he knocked him over in the corridor on his first day at school. You could say he really has fallen for the boy.   
  
"I...If I tell you, y-you can't tell anyone, Dean." Dean only nods, "My mother doesn't know everything Dean. She removed me from school because of the bullying after I came out and the final straw was Alastair attacking me on my way home from school one day." The older Winchester tightens his hands into first, "That wasn't all that happen, Dean." His eyes meet green ones as Dean takes his hand and gently squeezes, encouraging him to continue.   
  
"He was going to r-rape me Dean." He whispers, fresh tears running down his cheeks, as he lets his mind wonder to that horrible day. "He...He what?!" Raising his voice in anger, "If I get my hands on that-"   
  
"Dean, You can't. You can't say anything."  
  
"like hell I won't Cas! He hurt you, he tried to-"   
  
"But he didn't." He pleads, "Please, you can't say anything." Reluctantly Dean nods, respecting Castiel's decision.   
  
"Okay, "He sighs, "but if he tries to hurt you again Cas you tell me."  
  
" I promise, Dean." Castiel slowly leans into Dean’s chest, wrapping his arms around the other boys core tightly and rests his head on his shoulder. As Dean holds him in his arms he feels braver than he ever has before. Completely Comfortable within Deans grasp for the first time he places a gentle kiss on the other boy’s neck earning a small gasp from Dean as he kisses his way slowly along to his lips and places his hands on the boys face. He pulls away to look into Deans eyes, which open at the loss of contact.  
  
"I didn't think you liked me like that Cas?" He speaks letting the question ring. "I do. I always have. I just didn't want to burden you with,” he vaguely gestures to himself, "all of this." He lightly laughs.   
  
Dean places a kiss on Castiel lips, smiling when the other boy reciprocate. It's gentle and slow and there's no rush; the occasional small gasp escaping into the cold autumn air. After seconds, or minutes, Castiel isn't sure he pulls away for breath.   
  
  
When the weekend comes around Castiel go over to Dean’s house, they cuddle on the couch watching movies and TV shows all through Saturday and Castiel stays over at Deans on the Saturday night. Bobby finally gets to meet this 'Cas' both the boys had been talking about and finds he really likes the kid.   On the Sunday they plan to wake up early so Dean can show Cas how to make his mothers famous home-made cherry pie. Castiel isn't much of a baker in fact his mother hardly lets him in the kitchen after the accident with the chicken nuggets. His mother hadn’t been to happy when she came home to a kitchen full of smoke and her son lost in a book up stairs completely oblivious to the fire breaking out beneath him.

 

 


	7. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Bees! 
> 
> Time to bake some cherry pie!

 

Dean wakes with the warmth of the early morning sun; there's an gentle breeze passing through the ajar window cascading over him in waves. A wide band of light is shining in through the panes of aged glass. The room is softly lit by the soft hazy glow of the morning light and Dean's eyes slow blink open adjusting to the brightness. The way Castiel is curled into him, his back pressed against Dean's chest makes the boy smiled wide and when Castiel nestles just a little closer to him in his sleep, Dean sighs contently. When Dean moves the arm draped around the other boy in a gentle hold to poke at his side, in an attempt to wake him, Cas slowly rolls over and tucks his head under Dean’s chin draping an arm across his middle.

“Sleep.” He muffles into Deans neck, drifting back off to sleep.

He considers trying to wake Castiel again, because they had planned on getting up early to bake a pie but he decides to ignores his grumbling stomach and eventually falls asleep again.

A little while longer turns into quite a while longer, so it seems. When Dean wakes again, the digital clock on his bedside table reads half-past one, and it couldn’t have been later than 10 when he had first woken up. This time when he poke's the other boy's side Cas opens his eyes squinting to see the other boys face dressed in light and curls his lips into a smile.

"Morning."   
  
"Morning, Cas." Placing a chaste his on the boy's lips, "We over slept." He chuckles, nuzzling his nose into Castiel's neck, "We should get up."   
  
“Caaaaasss! ” Dean groaned when the boy closes his eyes and begins making fake snoring noises and Dean playfully jags his finger into the boy’s side earning a squeak from Castiel. Dean is quick to realise that he is ticklish and he pokes and wriggle's his fingers at Castiel’s sides and by his armpits. Castiel attempts to draw back, but his laughter has him shaky and they wind up tumbling over and of the bed and then directly to the floor, Dean hovering over Castiel. Within a few seconds, Castiel is a giggling mess. His eyes teary, laughing so hard he's hardly making any audible noises anymore.  
  
Castiel’s current state has Dean laughing himself and he is completely sidetracked by the beautiful boy beneath him that he is too slow to catch the hand that had launched out at his side in retaliation. The high pitched noise of utter surprise that comes from him is beyond embarrassing as he flinches away, but he has no time to dwell on it as another hand attacks him from the other side.   
  
“Apparently, you are too.” Castiel grins. "Alright! Time to make pie!" He yelps, Castiel pushes Dean of off him and swiftly turns them over, straddling Dean’s waist, pinning him down, a hand on either side of his face, a smug smile playing on his lips as he plants a kiss on his lips.   
  
"You're my cherry pie!" He sings to the melody of Warrants Cherry Pie, a wide smile appearing on Dean's face, "Did you really just sing that?" He laughs. Castiel follows Dean through to the kitchen where there greeted by Bobby and Ellen, "Morning Ellen." He chirps, "Morning Bobby." Castiel muffles his greetings and places his self at the dining table.   
  
"I'm out all day with Jo." Ellen speaks as she places a kiss on the old man's cheek, "Be sure to look after this grump when I'm gone." She jokes, "I'm old, Ellen, not stupid." His voice gruff.   
  
"Me and Cas are gonna bake a pie." He cheers, the old man nods, "You'd better not leave a mess in here boy." He warns, taking his mug of Irish coffee through back to the garage to start his work.

 

"Ok," Dean began, eyeing everything he had set up which looked like... a lot of things.   
  
"These are all the ingredients, and I have a recipe... somewhere." He looks around, eyebrows furrowed, picking things up then putting them down. Castiel comes over to join him, and after a minute Cas finds the small slip of paper with the recipe.

"Aha!" he remarks, looking over the instructions, frowning. "Dean this looks like... a lot of work. Do we really have to make the crust too?" Dean just rolls his eyes.

"The best pie is made from scratch," he stated, sneaking up behind Cas and wrapping his arms around his waist.

"Hey Dean," Cas calls out.

"Hmm?" Dean looks up right in time to see a fistful of flour being thrown his way. He pauses for a moment, blinking. "Cas, you little-" he run towards the other boy, grinning, watching as Castiel flees before he has any chance of catching him. He’s doubled over laughing on one side of the counter, whereas Dean is stood on the other side. But before Cas can blink a handful of flour is being thrown right back at him.

"Dean!" he screeches, still laughing.

"Ha! Payback!" Dean shouts, shaking the flour out of his hair. Cas finally looks up and meets Dean's eyes. "Now, are we gonna make these pies or what?" Castiel grins unsteadily wandering towards the other side of the counter.

"Yes, yes we are." Dean smiles, brushing some of the flour out of Cas' hair.

The moment of truth comes just 60 minutes later when the pie is cool and out of the oven. "Well, here it goes," Cas says, taking a forkful in his mouth. He chews, his facial expressions changing with every chew. "This is amazing, Dean!"   
  
They tuck in, demolishing more than half the pie before they stop thinking of Bobby, placing a generous slice on a plate and taking it out to the old man. The rest of the day they spend cuddled up on the couch that is until Castiel's mind goes to Alastair, thinking about what will inevitably happen tomorrow at school when he sees the other boy. Dean seems to notice the change of expression on Castiel's face as a frown appears on the young boys face.   
  
"Dean, I don't want to go to school tomorrow." He confesses, his voice quiet, timid. Dean shifts on the couch, moving from behind Castiel, both the boy's sit up to face each other. "I don't want Alastair to be at this school. I don't want him to hurt me again." Dropping his head, "A-and I don't know how to deal with this." He admits.   
  
"We can deal with it together. Have you told Naomi he's starting school here tomorrow?" He questions. Castiel knew he had to tell his mother, but after his talk with Dean he had wanted to forget about everything for a while; staying with Dean had allowed him to do that. But now, reality was knocking on the door.

 "She’s spoken with the school, and she’s going to phone again in the morning. I just can’t help but worry, I don’t want to have to leave again. I like this town. I have friends...I have you." Lying back down, Dean drapes his arm around his middle, gentle and secure.

“Exactly. And we’ll be there for you, he won’t hurt you again. I won’t let him.”   
  
When an hour passes Castiel reluctantly pushes up from the couch, and heads back over to his own house going straight into the kitchen to talk to his mother. "How was your weekend, Castiel?" She greets, "It was great, Mom." He starts and then sighs.   
  
“Castiel I know this isn’t easy, but I won’t let this happen again. This school is better, they’ll listen, and they won’t let him hurt you alright?” She speaks softly placing a gentle kiss to her sons head.

When morning comes, Castiel's mother phones his school, informing them of the situation again and makes sure to have their word on keeping an eye on the new boy and of course, her son, Castiel.

 

 


	8. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Bees! 
> 
> Hope y'all are having a wonderful day/week. This chapter is somewhat short and introduces Alastair. My thoughts on how to deal with the Alastair plot line are; I'm not going to make it unrealistic or dramatic. He will cause some trouble and then he will be gone. Lets be honest, in a real life situation, giving the characters pasts, no decent school would put up with his behaviour. (Again, most of this is based of my own knowledge and of my own previous high school. I should state that I am not America and went to school In Scotland.)

 

Castiel is ready and waiting on the small wall at the front of his house when Dean pulls up in his car; his legs are gentle swinging and his fingers are tapping to the beat playing through his head phones. Dean greets Cas with a wide smile and leans across to bring the boy into a hug, placing a chaste kiss to his lips before beginning the cars engine and pulling out of park. Castiel is quieter this morning than most and Dean intertwines his fingers with the other boys lifting his shaking hand to his mouth and places a soft kiss to the cold skin there as they drive through the gates towards the school building.   
  
When the car is parked Castiel stays silent as Dean exits the car and moves around to the passengers side. He opens the car door and lower his self to his knees and takes the young boys hands in his own and speaks, “Cas, I know this isn’t the best situation, but you can do this. If he need me text me, I’ll be there for you, you know that right?”   
  
The boy smiles and stands on shaky legs and they walked through the doors together heading to Deans locker, Castiel's hand gripping onto Deans tightly, too afraid to let go. When the bell for first period rings and they reluctantly go their separate ways Castiel finds himself in the toilets. He had planned on going to his class but the thought of seeing Alastair had him abruptly turning the corner and running into one of the cubicles swiftly locking it behind him.  
  
His chest rises and falls in short fast breaths and he sinks into the corner of the small space and he feels like the walls are closing in on him fast, pushing him further and smaller into the corner. His chest is wound tight and his heart is thumping hard against his rib cage threatening to burst through his skin with every hard thump.   
  
"I-I can't do this." He mutters, over and over, thoughts spilling uncontrollably from his head and stuttering of his tongue in sharp breaths. "D-dean." He breaths heavy pulling his phone out from his pocket. Steadying his trembling hands, he manages to type,   
  
**Cas  
9:31 **

_Can you come and get me_  
  
  
When the older Winchesters phone sounds in class the eyes of the other students turn to stare as he takes it out of his bag, his Chemistry teacher, Mr. Collins, promptly walking over to his desk and stretching out his hand, palm facing up, "Give it up, Winchester." He orders.   
  
"I can't Sir. I have to go." Bravely standing up and pushing past him, walking straight out the classroom door. He can hear his techer calling him back sharply from the classroom door but he ignores it in favour of finding Cas.   
  
**Cas**  
9:35  
  
 _I'm at the toilets_

 

By the time Dean gets Castiel's next message he is a few short metres from the bathroom stalls and has picked up his pace. Castiel manages to stand up and unlock the door, walking out in the corridor and then straight into Dean's arms. His breathing is hard and fast, and he mumbling unrecognisable words into the collar of the slightly taller boys shirt.   
  
"Hey, Hey..." Dean hushes, "It's alright, I'm here, I got you Cas." He whispers calmly into the boy’s ear, dropping his arms to rest at the bottom of Cas' back and as Castiel's arms curl around Dean's neck he tucks his head beneath the other boys chin.   
  
"It's alright." He reassures, holding the boys face in his hands and looking into his wide blue eyes.  
  
"I just...panicked," He starts, "I thought I'd see him and I just...hid." He sighs, resting his head on Dean's chest, slowing his breathing to the beat of the other boy’s steady heart. "I'm sorry for being an inconvenien-" He begins, "Cas, don't ever think you're an inconvenience to me. I'll always come when you call, I don't care the time or place, I'll be there." Castiel sighs against the boys’ chest.

"Okay. How 'bout we skip class and go sit outside for a bit, eh?" He offers, thinking Castiel could use the time to settle down. "Yeah. Yeah, that'd be nice."

 

When they head outside, making sure not to be seen by any stray teachers wondering the corridors, they walk around to back and sit down at the back of the old oak tree; insurance in case any teachers came looking. Castiel pulls out his pack of cigarettes, sighing, he'd been smoking a lot more recently, and he only had a few left. He places one in his mouth, and brings his lighter up, looking over at Dean, "Do you mind?" He asks, "Go ahead."   


He lights the fag and as grey swirls begins to twirl up through the air as the cigarette begins to burn he releasing a long sighs dropping his shoulder and leaning his weight against the tree bark.  
  
"Have you ever tried it?" Raising his eyebrow pointedly towards the green eyed boy, "Once," He admits, "it burned my throat and I ended up coughing like an idiot." He laughs. 

"We could try something?" Castiel looks at him, and when he takes a long slow drag and then leans forwards closing the space between their lips Dean nods catching onto what Cas is meaning. In seconds Cas' mouth is pressing to Deans breathing the second hand smoke across his parted lips; the taste of nicotine coating the boys tongue as the smoke burns down his throat. And they stay like that, kissing, slow and sweet, amd everynow and again Cas will take another drag and breath the smoke between their lips.   


When lunch arrives both boys head inside to get their lunch finding Charlie with Dorothy in the lunch queue. They all get their lunch and begin to head back outside to sit in the warmer than most autumn day. Walking down the corridor they all laugh at another one of Dean's ironically funny puns, Charlie giggling as Dorothy pokes at her side's playfully. Castiel bumps into someone sending him backwards into Deans open arms and he looks up regaining his balance and finding his feet. His face quickly loses colour tuning a paled sickly white and the hand holding Dean squeezes shut firmly.  
  
"The hell d'you think you are?" Dean grits, stepping towards the sluggish blonde, his free hand balled into a fist.   
  
"Got yourself a boyfriend have you?" He laughs, "Didn't you know gay boy, that's a girl you're with." Directing his hateful gaze back to Dean.   
  
Dean lunges forwards but Castiel pulls him back roughly ushering him round the blonde boy, Charlie and Dorothy trailing fastly behind them. When they turn the corner Castiel speaks, "You just have to ignore him Dean."   
  
"How can I Cas? He's hurt- he's hurting you." He speak through gritted teeth.   
  
"Dean, just..I don't want to encourage him." He sighs.   
  
"Em?" Charlie chips in, "What's going on guys?"  
  
“I’ll talk to you later Charlie.” Dean assures making his way to the school entrace with Cas by his side.  
  
“You don’t have to tell Charlie, I won’t either. But if you did, you know that she’d totally support you? She’d be on your side?” Castiel smiles, he was so lucky to have Dean and he knew that both Charlie and Dorothy would have his backs. Hell, Charlie was a little fire crackers when she needed to be, a fucking social injustice warrior. He knew he’d finally found some good friends, and he was determined to keep them.  
  
“I think I will tell her, I’m just not very good with the words and actually doing it.” He confesses. “We’ll do it together, whenever you’re ready.”

 

 


End file.
